Today was a beautiful summer’s day and after a very quiet start to the day, sufficient wind filled the lake at 1045 which enabled the fifth race of the summer series to be confirmed and 14 entrants began milling around the start line ready for the off at 1130! It was great to welcome some new WS Racers: Andy Masters, who went out for his first sail at Chipstead in many years, with Patrick as crew; Phil from the Cheshire Home day centre who generally does not race but today he did and was accompanied by Stephen as crew; and Brendan who had a new volunteer  but very experienced big boat sailor, Terry, as his crew.

Our Knight of the Lake has offered me his observations on the day to share with the WS world and by doing so I hope that readers will gain insights from the fecundity of his fancy and choice of language!

Once again I was confronted by a sea of glass upon my arrival at Chipstead. The only breeze I could see was that caused by some butterflies’ wings. Following last week’s disaster with the Kalashnikov, I had managed to procure a higher-powered water gun but it was quickly pounced upon by a rogue trustee. And several poor innocents were subjected to a severe soaking from Rambo Mckee (oops… gave the name away again).

It was obvious that racing would not take place in these conditions.  A number of us stood around making pleasantries when our good friend Fay decided to berate me for my recent blogging commentaries. Fay’s form has been improving over recent weeks and when we do finally get a dope dog, as opposed to a dopey dog, I think she will be on the list of the racers to be tested.  However, I do have another theory. I am pretty sure I could hear Fay communicating with someone via a  concealed microphone. I may be wrong but I think Fay may be passing information to her sister, Karen, to enable some form of off-course betting scam. Message to Fay and Karen, “Watch out we are watching you!!”

Having made my way down to the pontoon, something very strange occurred (As if this occurrence was something strange? Ed.) Sitting waiting for me was a pristine looking Kermit, complete with hidden oar and wet sponge. This was a little too good to be true and of course I realised those sneaky helpers were just having fun at my expense, given the lack of wind. So I sat there in the spearmint wonder machine and sunbathed, when suddenly a miracle occurred. A small puff of wind grew and grew and suddenly Kermit leapt into action and began to hustle across the lake. Fay and Bob Marsh were swept aside as the mean green flying machine swept up through its powerful automatic gearbox. Ahah, I was feeling pretty cocky as I swept across the lake enjoying the look of horror on the volunteers’ faces, who up till now had been laughing at my expense. The main danger appeared to be Mike Blatchford in his trusty Martin, but given his recent record of poor sportsmanship (Can we please forget the alleged paddle and outboard engine? Ed), I was confident I could find a way to get him disqualified. With the arrival of this good wind, the race was back on and I was sitting in the bookies’ favourite. Bligh was somewhere (But not at Chipstead. Ed), no doubt giving one of her crew 50 lashes. The two evil 2.4’s were still firmly in dock. The red torpedo was no doubt elsewhere winning another trophy and Kim who we had banned for one week still hadn’t resurfaced and as far as I could see Brian and Eileen hadn’t arrived. With the greatest respect to my other 303 colleagues, I felt positive that today was my day. Oh boy was I going to have fun today.

But, as I glanced over to the pontoon, I saw two the 2.4’s being unleashed into the lake. Suddenly I felt like a small duckling sitting on a pond watching crocodiles sliding into the water. (This is the wild imagination  we readers love! Ed.) Standing by the clubhouse was Pippa with a huge hound (actually her new and very cute Labrador pup, called Jimmy), but wait for it……..there was Kim. As usual Kim’s leftover 303 came sliding out from the reeds with 2 minutes to go (How does she do that?). I tried to smile and ask her how she was? “Not feeling too good today,” she replied. Oh boy when she says that I sense trouble. I think I could hear Fay relaying information to the off-course bookies and a flurry of activity amongst the volunteers onshore. Fay had told me earlier that the new £5 note will be made of plastic. My theory is, that is because they will be able to float amongst the bookies on Chipstead lake.

With a decent wind the course was set between Marks D and A and the double handed 303’s made good starts tacking upwind towards Mark A. Kim and her crew, Mandy, and Fay and her crew, Bob Marsh, had elected to take a wide starboard tack and were making good progress down the lake. This seemed like a good course, away from the majority of the traffic, so Kermit and I followed them. However, given Kermit’s racing pedigree, I was able to point her slightly closer to the wind and as a result I shot past both Kim and Fay by the time we reached Mark A. As we rounded the Mark, leaving it to starboard, several 303’s were neck and neck

…and then the wind subsided. Each helm was trying different tactics to try to gain an advantage but the fleet travelled down the lake very slowly, reaching the D Mark ‘en masse’ (French written here? Ed). Note to Editor: you have asked about training requirements. I have decided I need anger management training. As we began tacking back to Mark A, I decided to be polite and give way to everyone. “After you etc. etc.” Hence my requirement to learn how to become ANGRY. Suddenly the housewives’ favourite was halfway down the pack and the crocodiles were snapping. Suffice to say, the majority of the boats left Kermit in their wakes and when the Final whistle blew (if only it had blown 20 minutes earlier), Kermit and its helm were looking at a chance lost. However, for the first time ever, I was first back to the jetty and was first up the victory steps (but no one asked if I had won?. I had no idea of the final finishing order, although I later heard that Kim upheld the honour of the 303 fleet by staying (just) ahead of David Mason on his crocodile! How does she do that? (That is exactly what David Mason asked me afterwards! Ed)

In summary another beautiful day, the bookies were happy that Kim is back and, with Pippa’s permission, we will begin training Jimmy as our dope dog.

Thank you Bob……and to finish this week’s chat, the order of helms across the start line, completing each of the two laps raced and at their position at the end of 35 minutes is shown on the schematic below together with some more pictures of the day. And, as always, a big thanks to our volunteer crews (Bob, Patrick, John, Charles, Steve and Terry) who assisted our Racers to enjoy the day.

I got down to the lake at 8.30am to help to rig and launch the extensive fleet (of dinghies, the Lugger and safety boats) now available to Wealden Sailability and was hoping the NNE/NE wind would pick up at least to the speed forecast by Windguru for Chipstead for the morning – namely  5 to 7 mph.  I went out with William at 1030 and we started to sail the course from Mark A to Mark D. It was possible but the wind was so light and erratic that it took us over half an hour just to sail between the two Marks.

So, regrettably, just a few minutes before it was scheduled to start and as the temperature reached 25 dgs, I recommended to Steve Thomas that the Race should be cancelled. This was agreed and I then went round in the Race Commando letting the WS Racers, who were making their way down to the Start Line, of this decision. The only helm who appeared to be disappointed was David Mason who, having bagged a 2.4, felt that he would be missing an opportunity for a good result. Sorry David!

Many thanks to other WS Racers who came along for the race, namely: Andy, Ann, Bob, Brian, Fay, John, Malcolm, Mark, Mike, Peter W,  Phil and William. And thanks to the WS volunteer crews! It was also good to welcome Mike Coleman back on the water after his house move – or was it a dog-catching marathon?

At lunchtime Bob Fisher was showing to anyone who wished to watch, a film that he had made concerning some of the accusations he has made in his race reports over recent weeks about underhand goings-on surrounding the WS Racing activities. Although I found the film amusing, and even thought it might be suitable to be published on this website, I was so shocked at its conclusion that  that thought went out of my mind immediately – and I can only hope that Mike Blatchford accepts my unreserved apology! Later, once I had got home, I received a note from Bob in which I expected to read his apology to me…..but all he said was:

Understandably today’s racing was cancelled because of lack of wind since Farmer who normally provides about 75 per cent of the wind was busy elsewhere.  However, when we arrived everyone thought the race would proceed as normal and I did notice a certain tension on the jetty when the boats were being allocated.   Kermit is undoubtedly the prize vessel and it seems only a matter of time before someone falls (is pushed) off the pontoon in the melee trying to get aboard.  Let’s take Fay as an example. Earlier in the summer, she would stop  to ask me how I was,  or to discuss the weather etc.   But today, no such friendly chit chat, and I may be wrong but I think I saw her carrying a  collapsible weapon to make sure she got her vessel of choice.  She obviously succeeded as she departed the the jetty in my beloved Red Rocket.  Once again I was allocated a nameless lemon,  but given my recent run of form, 10th last week, I was expecting a red hot performance.   Unfortunately the only things that were red hot were my knees from a very hot sun. I wasn’t surprised that Capt Bligh seemed fairly upset by the decision to cancel.  With her 15 minute time advantage over the evil 2.4’s she could have sailed at least 20 yards and hoped nobody else moved in the next 35 minutes.  It was a tactic that may have worked, but the correct decision (to cancel the race) was made and shares in sun tan lotions tumbled accordingly.  I could see the look of dismay from Fay and the skipper of Kermit, who had no doubt paid enormous bribes to gain the ‘super boats’. Unfortunately no wind, no super boat!   And Bligh was in the process of nailing a defenceless helper to her mast. Although many boats were carrying the banned paddles, I did not see any obvious attempts to bend the rules.   Except maybe Tony, who was filling his cap with water and then putting it on his head.   From his action I wondered if  he was 1. a little touched by the sun,  2. in need of a shower or 3. was discreetly paddling and adding further ballast to the boat.   The cynic in me suggests option 3 but I leave it to readers to draw their own conclusions.  Another interesting observation was the number of fish attempting to jump out of the lake?   More members of James’ fan club maybe?

Those of us who hit the clubhouse early were greeted with the sight of what appeared to be a WW2 landing craft chugging up and down the lake.   As far as I know it couldn’t escape the lake, so Normandy was 1. a little late and 2. would take some serious navigating.  I can only assume some sort of raid is being planned on the houses at the far end of the lake.  If this is the case I would like to put Bligh forward as Captain, since it’s pretty important that if this raid is undertaken, no survivors are left alive.

In the meantime David McKee had managed to obtain the water powered kalaknikov that Mark C had used the previous week.  Sneaking up behind Mark, David plotted his revenge, but the kalaknikov leaked most of its ammunition onto the front of David’s shorts.   Shortly after that a very nice lady with a French accent appeared and said “David, look what you have done.”  She then planted a smacker on his head and was introduced as Mrs Mckee. Voila!

So in summary: a beautiful day, nobody overtook me or lapped me, what’s to complain about?

When I arrived at Chipstead at 8.45 to help rig and launch all the boats which Steve had asked the volunteers to prepare, there was the same degree of wind as had been the case on Guanabara Bay in Rio on Wednesday! There was insufficient to hold the final Medal Races of the AMAZING SAILING OLYMPICS.  I wasn’t totally surprised since Wind Guru for the club had said 3 to 5 knots! So I was delighted that some wind started to blow by the time clients were arriving at 10am and got on the water, even though I was concerned  that there  might not be sufficient wind later in the morning for any WS Racers and their crews, who wanted to race, to get round the course more than once.

But the wind gods produced just enough of a NE blow by 11.25 to  get boats off the Start Line at Mark A,  for a beat up to Mark D, followed by run downwind  around Mark K, and a final run back down the lake to Mark A. We had a fantastic entry of 15 boats on the water ready to do battle: 1 Hansa 2.3, 6 double-handed 303s, 2 single-handed 303s, 2 Libertys, 2 2.4s and 2 Martins!! Despite my exhortations to each Class to get close to the Start Line in the minute before their start time, only a few of the boats managed to maximise their sailing time on the course. Too many boats did not cross the Start Line  for quite some time after their Class’ start whistle had been blasted! Even in light winds, a 303 can sail a few hundred yards in a minute and that is how much advantage you are giving to your competitors if you do not  work hard in the moments before your Class’ start. Lisa and her crew, Nick, managed to be first out of the starting blocks and were in hot pursuit of Ann as they rounded the windward Mark D, but then tried to slope off for a quick cuppa in the clubhouse before returning to do battle once half the 303 fleet had gone past Mark K. It was great to see her fight back to be second 303 at the finish!

I noticed that some of the Crews who had been asked to support WS Racing Helms were new to the current Race Series –  so here is a big welcome to  Mark’s crew, John, to Fay’s crew Alan , to Lisa’s crew, Nick, and to William’s crew, Bruce. And James and Tony were back to crew for John and Sam respectively. Thank you all, as always. Having said that, one “crew” I spoke to during the race told me in no uncertain terms that his objective was to “beat Bruce.” I assumed that was the Helm’s objective also?

The race saw lots of hard work put in by all the helms and crews in some tricky conditions with the wind not only varying in strength but also (as is normal for Chipstead) in its direction. The prevailing wind was NE but there were prolonged gusty shifts that had the wind backing to the North which (for those Helms who picked them up quickly) delivered nearly a straight line tack from Mark A to Mark D. I have put the record of each boat’s position during the race in the normal schematic at the end of this report. Well done to John Hancock and his crew James for holding on and eventually splitting Mike’s Martin and David’s 2.4. Brian Mac fought hard to gain a solid 4th place – and this probably accounted for me finding him on the lake in the afternoon, fast asleep at the tiller, with his boat going gently around and around! Exhausting stuff this racing! Ann’s performance, coming in 7th, was a notable improvement over her (unreported) 12th place last week. Apologies Ann, I will try to ensure your finishing place is prominently displayed in future! But trying to get in the way of bigger boats is tough!!

My final comment is to commend some of you for being so gentlemanly/womanly out on the water! I witnessed a number of collisions around Mark A and (I was told on the QT) some boats did not round Mark K on the downwind leg of the course, but these incidents did not result in shouting and official protests but rather(I surmise) a resigned – “It may be me in the wrong next time, so best to keep quiet”.  But, on a serious note, sailing cannot work without rules – two prime ones being not to hit other boats, and to sail the set course – so please don’t be shy about asking the question of your fellow Helms! In as nice a way as you wish… which is often determined about the attitude of the boat in the wrong!

Again I am indebted to that eagle-eyed stalwart of the WS Racing group, Bob Fisher, for sharing his  diary entry about what went on before, during and after, and on and off the water of Longford Lake, on race day!!

Bob’s journal records:

Today didn’t get off to a flier.   At 8.45 am I decided to have a quick nap while I awaited Steve’s arrival.  Two things occurred, my quick nap turned into a full blown snooze and Steve’s mobile phone decided it wasn’t going to work today.  We eventually managed to meet up, but by now we were running too late to visit the sweet shop. It had become apparent that Mars Bars were no longer the bribe of choice since several of the volunteers had said they did not like  them. So it seemed more exotic fare was required.  One volunteer, who shall remain nameless, had requested sultanas and although keen to please I wasn’t happy with the currant exchange rate (boom boom).

Our delayed start meant we arrived slightly later than usual and as we approached the car park, I glanced to  the pontoon just in time to see The Red Rocket and Kermit departing.  Both were double-handed and I wondered if that would have increased the bribe required.

I was interested to see a film crew on site, no doubt wanting to interview me following my dramatic 5th place the previous week and maybe offer a part in a new blockbuster?  But no, despite several attempts to photobomb the shoot, we were swiftly dispatched to the pontoon to select our chariots of water.   Steve got there first and decided he liked a boat called ‘Lover’. As he departed into a very gentle breeze his stern turned around and it became apparent that Lover was in fact Keelover.   Not known for being a winner, Steve had once again selected a lemon.  With no Mars Bars available, I was next in line and a yellow 303 was pulled into place by the two man pit crew both of who answered to ‘John’.  One of the John’s decided the yellow boat (never did get its name) needed some attention from the pit crew.   At Brands Hatch and Silverstone I have seen pit crews turn around vehicles in seconds.  Alas that was not the case with my yellow boat, which received a very prolonged, detailed attention from the two Johns.

Now I don’t wish to be called a ‘grass’ but….. during the boarding process, I noticed a number of very dubious items being smuggled aboard some boats.  E.G. Mike Blatchford had managed to stow a full size paddle up his trouser leg and Mark Cayzer was carrying what appeared to be a Kalashnikov.   Now I, more than most people, appreciate how important this racing has become to people, but surely this behaviour is a step too far?

I myself has stowed a wet sponge in case Peter W decided to return from his lengthy break in Cornwall and I might have to defend myself. Unfortunately, I forgot about this “special item” and sat on  it when I got into my lemon – it also added considerable weight to my craft and affected my streamlining and ultimately probably cost me victory. Plus I sailed the whole race in wet pants!!

As we circled around waiting to start at Mark A, James very kindly pointed out that my outrider (Ed. ??) was loose. Initial reaction was to check my jeans to ensure I wasn’t improperly dressed, but I eventually got his meaning and corrected it accordingly.    As the 15 craft  (great turnout) circled  near to Mark A, the usual game of coarse (sic) chinese whispers ensued.  Luckily no one listened to Farmer who was suggesting the Start was at the other end of the lake.  Confusion did occur when Captain Bligh appeared, shouting “water”‘ and “avast ye, ye swabs”. Personally I thought her reference to another boat’s helm and crew as “Bilge rats” was a little strong but there you go.   As we lined up at the Start it suddenly became a little breezy and Bligh and the good ship bathtub  (her Hansa 2.3) made full use of her 5 minute early starting handicap and hared up the lake towards the windward Mark D.  The fleet  of double-handed 303s weren’t so lucky and more than a number of them struggled over the line (I know, I was in the midst of them).  By the time the single-handed 303s started, the wind was negligible.   Having completed one unwanted 360, I found myself circling again and as I lined up to limp across the start, I found Steve in the ‘Lover’ stationary on the start line and bang slap in front of my boat.  By the time the wind filled in and we got away, the Liberties had joined the race.

Having already highlighted the use of engines in the 2.4s, there had been further calls for drugs testing.  One obvious target is Brian who has suddenly discovered very good form.   It has been suggested that dope testing dogs be utilised to identify performance enhancing drugs.   I was going to suggest using my Labrador “Oscar”  but he turned out  just to be a dopey dog rather than a dope dog.  Mike Blatchford’s very small puppy was declared too dangerous (viz. his attack on Mike reported last week) and Mike Coleman’s Beast of Bromley too scary.   I may have to interview Daisy or Gip for the position! Anyway with no dope testing available Brian got off to an excellent start and he overtook  nearly all the other 303s in front of him.

As last week, Bligh managed to maintain her lead for a good while. Most boats seemed to make good progress especially Mike Blatchford’s Martin which was making strange water slapping noises as it powered by me.   Next came the two 2.4 s .  Peter W gave me his usual smile  (which I read as ‘got you again’) and was rewarded by a broadside from the not-so-wet sponge.

A number of important personal battles were taking place around the course, but none more important than the battle for 10th and 11th place where Fisher and Farmer were nip and tuck.  As we passed Mark D for the second time, I was able to force the Lover wide to get past and subsequently claim victory.

As regards the final rankings, I understood that Brian had done well again.  I spoke with his pit team but was blanked with a ‘We know nothing’.   Mike “Paddle” Blatchford was rumoured to have won, but at what cost to his reputation, I ask you?   After last week feigning injury (viz. the reported dog attack), Mike must be flirting with disciplinary action in the not too distant future.   Not sure where Mark Cayzer finished but he looked very happy, shooting Sailability volunteers after the race with his water powered Kalashnikov (Ed. Did this happen?)

The usual lively debrief followed, including laying out the pros and cons of  Liquorice-all-sorts  to replace Mars Bars.   No film offers were made, although I think I saw Fleur making an attempt at stardom.

In summary another great day at Chipstead.  Thanks to all the Sailability team for their care and attention and most importantly their great senses of humour.

Final Result: 1. Mike Blatchford; 2. John Hancock/James; 3. David Mason; 4. Brian Mac; 5. Peter W; 6. Lisa Holland/Nick; 7. Ann Frewer; 8. William/Bruce; 9. Sam / Tony; 10. Bob; 11. Steve; 12. Bill Garry; 13. Fay Watson/Alan; 14. Mark Cayzer/ John; 15. Andy Wallace

Many congratulations to our very own Spring Series Champion, Peter Gregory, on his achieving first place in the August 6/7 RYA Sailability Multi Class Regatta at Rutland Sailing Club in his 2.4mR ….otherwise known to us as the “Red Torpedo”!! Bravissimo Peter!!

The full results can be seen by clicking on this link.

Peter Gregory’s fantastic achievement was recognised after Race#2 of the Summer Series  when he was presented with a bottle of bubbly!!

The very impressive trophy which Peter won at the RYA Sailability Regatta was on show and admired by his fellow WS Racers, other Wealden Sailability clients and  the volunteers, who warmly applauded his success.

Peter responded by saying how much he was touched  by receiving some more spoils from his victory and he reiterated how much he enjoyed everybody’s company and the sailing at Wealden Sailability!